It's hard work
Being there
"And then, Dad, after we bought a new car, we booked a holiday in the Bahamas!" You're suddenly alert because what they've said hits you where it hurts. It's a clever trick, but it does get your attention. How many times have you grunted as your children were talking to you and not heard a thing. Being there doesn't just mean going to school plays or birthday parties, but even when they've grown up, it means to be able to listen, to come alongside and be part of what they're going through. That requires quite a lot of patience. Ummm!
And each child will require you to 'be there' in a different way. You will need to be able to adjust and even work out fair, but different 'standards' for different children with your partner. Even if you do it well, you'll never completely avoid the, 'it's not fair' syndrome. So you and your partner need to be agreed how this will work.
Girls v Boys
There is a great deal of research that shows that we, almost instinctively, treat young boys differently from young girls. And it's not always to do with dolls for girls and guns for boys.
It is more to do with expecting different standards and how that affects emotional development. This can happen at any age, but child psychologists are now realising that young boys are significantly more vulnerable than young girls. Much of this vulnerability and related behaviours can come from the way baby boys are treated in the first few years.
Perhaps our 'stand tall and don't cry' advice to boys isn't always the best. They often get treated more harshly than the situation calls for, simply because they're male. And it's a mistake for dads to have their relationship with their daughters only through their mum.
Does change mean trouble?
But whether they're male or female, they will change very quickly. One of your key roles will be to guide them through the dependent-independent period. At each stage of life, (and it doesn't stop when they've left home) they will have different issues to resolve whether emotional, physical or spiritual. Do the wrong thing at the wrong time and you could be in big trouble!
In a loving environment, however, the trouble won't last long. The most difficult time is clearly adolescence, and Dad's task is not to take what's said or done personally, but try to steer a measured course.
What are you looking to achieve?
It's easy to react to our children in the moment and not keep in mind the goal. Have you thought what kind of people you'd like your children to become, or have you been content to just see how they develop? Why not see yourself, not as providing, disciplining and encouraging a child, but rather, shaping the destiny of a precious individual for whom God has great plans. Be careful you don't solve the immediate problem with a display of authority, but create a future relationship issue because you didn't understand the root cause.
It is the experiences of their early years that will shape them. But, with God, nothing is irrecoverable. If you've had a bad relationship in the past, you can still begin the process of reaching out to your children, however old they are.
You can model the ideal Dad for your children at whatever age they are.
Site published by 3 Counties Church (www.3countieschurch.org), Haslemere, England, Nov 2004