You're OK, I'm OK

Image

TV has, or will have depending on how old your children are, a great influence on your child. You may decide not to have one, but that doesn't make the world go away! The pressure to 'have an image' is quite powerful. Even at a very young age, they will play at being some superhero or heroine. What they are doing is creating an image for themselves, and experimenting with it.

As they move into older years, play becomes less and the real image work begins. Who do they like and admire? It will be evident in the clothes they buy, the music they listen to, the food they eat and the designer labels they like.

It is true of everyone to some degree. But of greater underlying importance is their self image. It is crucial to their life's prospects. It is a well researched fact that those children with a good self image will learn faster, have longer lasting relationships and get better jobs than those who don't.

The good news is that you can greatly influence this.

How?

Here's a list of behaviours which will give you a good indication of whether you're helping to build your child's self image:

Don't be controlling. Over control can easily lead to manipulation. Allow your child to make the decisions that they are able to make at their age. Don't be afraid to offer advice and guidance as well as providing boundaries for their behaviour and attitudes. Discuss without it developing into an argument. Certainly don't provoke an argument. Be aware of their presence and acknowledge it. Encourage them to develop their own opinions even if they are naïve at the moment. They will change as they develop. Be loving and helpful, treating them a little older than they actually are.

These behaviours are what real fathering is all about. Where it doesn't happen, children will not develop a relationship with you that will last through adolescence, teenage and into adulthood. It's easier to build this into your fathering when they are younger, rather than have to earn your way back later in life. All things are possible, but you may have to live through some barren years in the meantime.

Words and Actions

Words are powerful. And so are the lack of them! Both convey significant messages to your children. Words that convey love, pride are not to be kept as a reward. They are to be part of your everyday life. Be an encourager not a lecturer!

Presents are important, but never use them to 'make up' for past disappointment. Make sure that it is a real demonstration of your love and affection in the now. Having a quick lunch together when your grown up children are relatively near is just as important as going out for a treat, when they are younger.

Asking open questions and active listening (playing back to them what you've heard) are 2 key personal skills which you need to develop to develop the relationship with your child. Positive words and allowing them to do it themselves without stepping in, will build their confidence and esteem.

Standards

Of course reasonable standards of behaviour and attitudes need to be set and kept to, by you as well as them. This applies to your children at whatever age. But they won't be perfect, just as you weren't - and aren't!

If your child is school age, you don't have to leave the setting of standards to school. In fact, it's good to find out how they approach the issue of developing social skills and building a child's self esteem. It may not be how you would want it to be done. Even if they 'pass the test', don't delegate this to the teacher …or your partner. Be active in your fathering.

Are you ready for a challenge?
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Site published by 3 Counties Church (www.3countieschurch.org), Haslemere, England, Nov 2004