I, me, mine
Who are you?
When George Harrison penned this song, I don't think he was talking about parenting - but it's a suitable title for this session. The point is that you need to have a reasonably accurate idea of who you are and how you naturally react. Much may have been inherited from either father or mother. Likewise your child will almost certainly inherited some of your characteristics.
Psychometrics is the term given to the study of personality - you may have come across Myers Briggs, possibly the most well known of these models. There are essentially 4 ways in which we can measure personality:
- Where does your energy come from? Some find that mixing with other people gives them energy and revitalises them. Others find the reverse and are recharged by being more solitary.
- How do you learn? Some find they learn by watching, trying and actually doing it themselves, very practical. Others are more cerebral. They seem to be able to talk about ideas, approaches, strategies, seemingly with very little reference to practicalities at all.
- How do you choose between alternatives? Some weigh up the pros and cons and seek to apply logic. Others are more subjective, more concerned with what's important rather than what's right on paper.
- How do you run your life? Some are governed by the diary. It's all very organised and planned. Others are more spontaneous and like to 'make it up as they go along.'
Very few people are totally one or the other in any of these categories. We are all different, and your child may well be different from you. Understanding the difference is a huge step to successful fathering.
Do you really know who they are?
As human beings we are prone to viewing others only in relation to ourselves. Even when our children are grown up, they can still be viewed as a 'clone from home'.
It seems acceptable to view our younger children this way, but it really isn't. They need to be recognised as an individual. Some will be extrovert and other introvert and that will change as they grow up, so don't pigeon-hole your child as this or that. You will become out of date fast.
To understand them as individuals. you have to sit down, think about them and articulate how they are different to you, your partner, your other children etc. Use the 4 areas above to talk about them. It will enable you to understand them accurately. Don't assume they are like you. Try to affirm their right to be who they are, while at the same time, helping them to overcome bad habits and weaknesses that will hinder their development. Don't try to turn them into little adults as soon as you can.
How do you do all this?
One of the crucial ways of doing all this is to get out and do stuff together. It could be digging a sandpit, running orienteering courses with them, even watching TV together. Clearly, the range of things you can do together will expand as they grow older, but unless you start it young, they will get used to the fact that you do what you want, and they have to do what they want on their own.
The social side of things can pose problems. Every kid wants a cool dad, but the scope for being uncool is huge. It's good to get to know their friends if you can and to make your home a welcoming place for them. It will call for the utmost subtlety. You need to be there, but invisible for the most part.
Just as you can't leave teachers to give your child behavioural standards, so you can't leave it to church to give your child the right spiritual perspectives. Involving them in children and young people's groups is a must, but don't be surprised when even the basics are severely questioned. At those times, it's not your words that count, but how they've seen you live your life. Don't forget to pray for them. God's promises are "for us, our children, and our children's children."
It's also important to give them opportunity to debate current affairs and big moral issues as they arise. But make sure you don't preach your view, but that equal time is given to their views, even if it still isn't always completely thought through.
Site published by 3 Counties Church (www.3countieschurch.org), Haslemere, England, Nov 2004