So you're a Stepdad!
Stepdad?
Life doesn't always go smoothly. You may have gathered that by now!
This may not be what you had in mind all those years ago, but if it's where you're at, it's good to have some guidance. Being a stepdad is not an easy role to play, especially if you care and want to be really committed to the children.
It's almost totally dependent on how your stepchildren regard you. You will almost certainly have much to prove, as they have been let down badly once already. But it's still possible to develop a really good, long term relationship with them. It is what they actually want deep down. They just don't want to be failed again, but expect to have to prove yourself over and over again.
At the same time, you have to develop your relationship with your new partner and deal with the baggage you bring with you. If, in your new home, you have your children as well as your new partner's children, this can also create difficulties.
What's your role?
So, if you're not their natural dad, what role do you have? Well, it's not generally good to start acting as if you were their natural father. Your role is more as a support to their mother and an adult friend to her children. If they see you as a caring and strong support to their mum, you'll win their respect and then you'll begin to develop your own relationship with them.
Remember you're in their life because of your partner's decision primarily, not theirs. They probably still have a natural dad around, so you have to be something else. So don't ignore him, and try to act as if he didn't exist. Face the facts. And don't set out to prove you're better!
Discipline
This is a crucial area. You need to remember that natural authority comes from the natural parent, and children will accept it. So it's better to leave that to the natural mother and seek to support her. This means trying to agree how things will run beforehand and not making it up as you go along. If you don't agree together, it will inevitably mean that you will differ and argue in front of the children. That will only serve to harm your relationship with them.
Your stepchildren will appreciate you being straightforward with them. You are not their natural dad, and never will be! You can declare you want the best for them and will do your utmost to support them. You won't compete for their affection with presents and you will do your best to make their mum happy.
It'll take time. Be prepared for that. It might even be a little bumpy along the way. You can share that with them as well. It will serve to mould their expectations as well as your own.
It's even more important to make your relationship with your new partner as good as you can. Both of you will have baggage whether you have it from a previous marriage or this is your first experience of married life. If it is your first, choosing to do it with the children, will count for a lot with them.
Site published by 3 Counties Church (www.3countieschurch.org), Haslemere, England, Nov 2004