A Sunday Dad!
This is a very difficult assignment, but not impossible by any means. Many dads have suffered a marriage breakdown and gone on to have good and long lasting relationships with their children.
But whatever the rights and wrongs may be of your marriage break-up, you cannot allow any frustration to be taken into your relationship with your children. They are yours and you will feel bereft without them. You want to see them and they need to see you. But because you either don't or can't live with them anymore, your responsibility does not go away.
If there's another man in the house with your children, you have an extra tough situation. However, if you want to put your children first, you will need to put your own feelings of anxiety and perhaps anger to one side. Don't just choke it down, but find someone to talk it through regularly.
Whether you like him or not, he will have an influence on your children, just because he lives with them. If you can make a reasonable relationship with him, not detracting from your rights and responsibilities as the natural father, it will help the children adjust to the new situation, and that can only be good for them!
What's your role?
It could be that a picture like this really cuts you up. When you started out, you never anticipated this could happen, but it has, and there's still a very important role for you.
Many boys have not been properly fathered and many girls have not had a proper relationship with their dads. Both have led to significant issues in society, which may involve your children unless you step up to your role.
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Whatever has happened to your marriage, don't divorce your kids. |
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It may be that you feel the settlement with regard to the children was unfair, even unjust. Whilst you are entitled to press for a change, you have to stay within the law. At the time of writing, there seems to be some pressure to make custody arrangements fairer. I hope that this happens, so that dads and children have a fairer deal. You may find that combining to work with others in this area, releases some of the tension you feel.
How to communicate
Communication is very important. You may not be able to see them in person as much as you would wish, but letters, calls and emails are all good. You could even create your own internet site!
But when you do have face to face time, make the most of it. Plan it well and don't rely on the big present. It will trap you and the relationship. Just presents on the right occasions will be fine.
Be a rock to them. Keep your promises. Ensure they can always rely on you. Little and often is a good motto for communication, if you can keep to it.
It goes without saying that you must not use them to gossip or attempt to split the new relationship, if your ex has one. Your children are not weapons of war between you and anyone else. They deserve and have a felt need to be loved by their natural dad and know it.
Site published by 3 Counties Church (www.3countieschurch.org), Haslemere, England, Nov 2004