A single Dad.
Because mothers often tend to get custody, single dads have more than likely suffered bereavement. It is likely to be a lost place for a long time. But you don't have a long time. Children need you now!
You may be very fortunate and live near a supportive family. You may even have a doable financial situation, but those things don't take care of the 'you' inside.
You will inevitably sink into 'pity party' mode from time to time. That's understandable. If the bereavement is still taking its toll, seek help. This programme is not designed to help you in this regard.
But when it comes to your role as a dad, the best advice is to start living as your partner would have wanted. She would have sacrificed for her children, and probably did! You need to do the same. Launch yourself into a new life with your kids. Make them your new life. Obviously work has to fit in somewhere, but you will restore something in yourself as well as fulfilling the needs of your children.
Change is the new status quo
Life will never be the same, so don't try to make it the same. Your focus needs to change. It will affect your career, your working hours, your ability or not to do the washing, ironing, cooking etc. Don't leave it all to female friends or domestics. If you do, you will end up trying to live as you did before …and there is an empty hole in that life, and will continue to be there. So get stuck in and change it.
No need to pretend to be mum. She will have had certain standards …mums can often be perfectionists. You don't have to have the same standards. Try not to be an echo: 'Put your things away', 'Can't you be more tidy?', 'Shut the doors behind you', 'Don't make a mess'. You are going to be living a different sort of life. If you have a daughter, ensure she doesn't end up becoming a surrogate mother. She needs her freedom to grow up to be herself.
Support
Although it's wise not to allow female friends to take over the domestics completely, you will need support, especially if your children are approaching teens. Boys as well as girls need a mature female to help them. You will also need their help in spotting things that are happening in the home, which you won't spot. If you can invite a few people regularly into your home, they can give you input and share some of the burden.
Don't take what people say as criticism, even if occasionally it seems that way. If you react defensively, you will cut yourself off from important advice. People will be reluctant to talk with you anyway, for fear of saying the wrong thing etc. Encourage people to comment and take their advice wherever possible (provided it's good advice, of course!)
Church is a body. When one part of our physical body needs the help of another part, it's given and received.
Site published by 3 Counties Church (www.3countieschurch.org), Haslemere, England, Nov 2004