For every Dad.
Children go through different phases at different times in their lives. No phase will last forever, thank goodness. If you can, try to make a positive contribution in every phase, rather than giving up and waiting till this phase is over.
The best contribution from you is quality time. It's probably the least able thing you're able to do as you balance all the competing priorities of work, wife, church, etc. etc., but try to do it. This is what they will remember above all other things.
Also, your children will be mixing with others their age who will have first hand experience of how fragile life is. At some point your children will think, if not say, 'are you and mummy ever going to get divorced?' It's all around them. Even if your marriage breaks down, you still have a job to do but, from their point of view, it's clearly best never get to a place where it's even thought about. So in whatever ways you can, demonstrate your love for their mum. Keep your down times private if possible. Children will always think they are worse than they are … and they will worry. They need to understand you will always be there.
Little family traditions help to provide that sense of belonging eg games you play, holiday places, jokes you tell, etc.
Love whatever
It is true that sometimes you might not like your children; what they do, who they want to go out with, what their views are. But deep down you will love them, and that needs to be brought up to the surface and demonstrated, even when they're doing something you don't like, and even if they know you don't like it.
That doesn't mean that there's no room for discipline. God says he disciplines those he loves. But let's admit it. It's not easy. Judge them only on what you can legitimately expect for their age. The standards you set must be in their best interests and not just for your convenience. But you and your partner will have to decide what 'fights' to have and what ones are not right to have. You can't draw lines everywhere, it's not reasonable. So where are you going to draw up battle lines, if it should come to that?
Punishment? Yes, occasionally you are going to have to punish. But it's far more positive to give them jobs to do, rather then to deprive them, which can often create long lasting resentment. But try to do it when things have calmed down and reason has a chance of getting through. But don't threaten what you can't or won't follow through on. You will find yourself on a slippery slope, but the child pushing boundaries all over the place and even blackmail! Yes, even blackmail!
The key is firmness, consistency and fairness. Always listen and take the opportunity to understand your child better. Remember, the more you praise, the more room you have to manoeuvre when it comes to punishment.
Independence
This is what the dad's role is; bringing children to a point when they can make good choices for themselves, and begin to live under their own steam. Having 'trial runs' is helpful. They may make some mistakes, or they may just make decisions that you wouldn't make. Make sure you know the difference!
You will probably get most tested in the area of finance. But don't try to control their choices by withholding finance or laying down conditions which are really saying, 'I don't trust you.'
Site published by 3 Counties Church (www.3countieschurch.org), Haslemere, England, Nov 2004